Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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