I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
