I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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