the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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