why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
