I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
