He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i love accidental penises.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
