This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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