I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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