Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
