Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
