After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
