My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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