I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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