so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Slut skills are useful in every country.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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