why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize