Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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