I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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