I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
