I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
