From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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