Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
