I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it's like iHOP with fire
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think my moral compass just broke
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
