So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
