i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
