Small penises have feelings too.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
