I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
