The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Where is the hickey?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
