I love black thongs
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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