Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
