bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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