normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
