I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
