My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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