You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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