If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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