He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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