There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
