so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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