Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
