I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
