I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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