Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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