i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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