We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
