So drunk its hurt
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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