dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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