Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
