K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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