glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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