anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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