We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
