...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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