and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dick very happy bro
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
