Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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