Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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