im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your penis caused this!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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