I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
