She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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