Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
